Cooking a la Bettina: A Thousand Ways To Please A Husband Revisited: Chapter 31 Bob and Bettina Alone

Introduction

“A jug of wine, a loaf of bread..”

…and Bob’s grease-smeared suit for Bettina to cozy up to.

But never fear…our heroine knows just what to do. Before Bob can blink she has the stained clothing off his back, treated, and ready for the wash tub the instant dinner is over.

And what a memorable meal it is! Between forkfuls of ham and mashed potatoes a starry-eyed Bob praises Bettina to the skies and gives her something far more exciting than hugs and kisses: permission to enter her nut bread in the state fair competition!

Part 1

The Menu

Ham

Mashed Potatoes

Escalloped Onions

Rolls

Butter

Olive Oil Pickles

Dutch Apple Cake

Coffee

Preparing the Meal

Ham

Finding uncooked ham was a project in itself—and in fact I wound up purchasing a smoked pork shoulder. It looked like ham, smelled like ham, and was as close as I was going to get on short notice.

Cutting a slice “1/3 of an inch thick” from the shoulder was surprisingly difficult thanks to the large bone smack in the middle.

The slice—rather war-torn, I’m afraid.

Fortunately the simple cooking technique more than made up for the hassle of preparing it: place the pork in a pan, brown on both sides, add water, place a lid on the skillet, and cook for about twenty-five minutes.

Mashed Potatoes

I and my family like mashed potatoes, but they seem an odd choice to serve with ham. (Still, who am I to complain? Very often the starch gracing the Mostic table is a supermarket packet of stir fry noodles or a scoop of plain rice).

As always Bettina demands that the potatoes be peeled before going into the pot.

Cooked until soft—now the fun begins: mashing the potatoes without the use of modern appliances.

Not bad! With just the masher and the strength in my arm I was able to whip these spuds to fluffy goodness.

Escalloped Onions

Definitely a novel item on our table—in fact, I think I won’t reveal the identity of the Mystery Vegetable unless someone asks.

Unfortunately Bettina’s recipe simply calls for cooked onions without any hint as to how to make them so. But after thumbing through The Joy Of Cooking, I discovered I had two options: boiling or roasting.

Knowing what a terrific pain it would be to bring a large vat of water to the boiling point I went with the latter...

The most basic of equipment: one peeled onion, one small glass baking dish.

Alas as the onion begin to heat up the house was rapidly filled with eye-watering vapors. I was astounded at how sharp a single roasting onion could be, and so were DH and Son when they opened the oven door to investigate (the cat was out of the bag).

After some thirty minutes in the oven (and audible moaning and groaning from the troops about the smell) the onion was soft enough to be pierced with a skewer. So I pulled it out, removed the outer layer, and chopped it to bits.

Now for the topping of crumbs…

“Fresh” bread crumbs combined with two tablespoons of melted butter. The mixture seemed a little too greasy, so I broke up a few crackers and tossed them in too.

Onions topped with crumbs (hint: something is wrong with this picture).

Apparently overcome by onion fumes I completely forgot they were to be mixed with white sauce. Oops.

A royal pain having to remove the crumbs from the oh-so-sticky roasted onion.

By now I was running seriously short of time so, after brewing a white sauce, I simply poured it into the pan of onions, mixed it with a fork, and dumped the crumbs back on.

Much better!

Rolls

Bettina didn’t specify what kind of rolls were to be served, so I decided to make some using frozen commercial biscuit dough.

After thawing the dough in the refrigerator I popped two lumps in each muffin cup, brushed them with melted butter, and set them to rise.

And rise they did…beautifully!

Happily only was rise was necessary, so at this point they could go straight into the oven.

Perfect! Even The French Chef couldn't top these!

Olive Oil Pickles

I had about decided that these were simply not impractical to make—pickling cucumbers are difficult to find, and expensive to boot.

But by the greatest stroke of luck a cut-rate grocer in our area was selling these beauties for roughly twenty cents apiece. Resistance to such a bargain would have been foolish (and futile) although I did decide to reduce Bettina’s quantity of pickles from one hundred to a far more modest twenty-five.

The cucumbers were to be wiped and then cut crosswise. That made for an amazing amount of slices—two full bowls, in fact.

Slicing the onion.

Cucumber slices and onion plus ¼ cup of salt. Now to let them sit for a spell.

Three Hours Later

In just a few hours the cucumbers shed a lot of water and of course had to be drained.

Adding the necessary spices.

And one cup (ouch) of vinegar (these are going to be strong!)

Thank goodness I had a jar with a screw-top lid big enough to hold all the slices. But there was a problem…

…not nearly enough brine. Since I didn’t sterilize the jar or equipment the pickles will have to be stored in the refrigerator and, hopefully, the brine level will rise as the cukes lose more moisture in there.

And one more issue…pickled cucumbers have to sit in brine for days or weeks until they’re ready to be eaten. Quite a problem as the meal these pickles are meant for is just forty-eight hours away!

Dutch Apple Cake

Now this looks good—easy too. I and the family enjoy cooked apples, so this dessert should be a hit. In fact I plan to double the recipe so we all can have two portions.