Part 2 (Bettina Gives a Porch Party continued)

How It Tasted

Sunbonnet Baby Salad

A baby, yes—but from what planet?

Nut Bread Sandwiches

Much to my surprise these sandwiches were successful—my oh-so-picky son wolfed down three halves and my husband four! It was truly amazing—particularly as I didn’t care much for them myself. I just don’t care for sweet-and-salty combinations, and the raisin-laden nut bread spread with butter and cream cheese fit that description exactly.

Still, I can’t complain as two out of the three of us enjoyed them. And the bread, while not exactly delicate, held up remarkably well overnight. My husband emptied the plate at breakfast the next morning and commented on how good they tasted [cue fainting spell].

Iced Tea

Good as always, and made still better with the addition of fresh mint and lemon slices. Maybe it wasn’t particularly sensible to serve a caffeinated drink just before bedtime, but I have to admit iced tea was a good fit for the rest of the meal.

Mint Wafers

Sadly these cookies were a disappointment, and only my son seemed to enjoy them. DH thought the mint flavor was a little too strong, and I was dismayed to find the chocolate coating the wafers had turned gummy in just a few hours. I’m still not sure what was wrong with this recipe, but the makers of Girl Scout Thin Mints have nothing to worry about.

Lemon Sherbet

Filip: It’s too sweet.

As expected this sherbet wasn’t solid enough to be served at the luncheon, and so we didn’t get a chance to try it until the next day.

The texture was surprisingly smooth (no ice crystals, thank heavens) but, as my son observed, it was unsettling sweet—we could barely taste any lemon. More lemon (or lemon extract) would have given it more of a citrus snap, and of course I goofed by not preparing it far enough ahead.

Tea Cakes

Yes, the frosting on the cakes was chock full of HUGE sugar crystals—but in fact their gargantuan size proved something of an advantage as we could easily spot and remove them.

The cakes themselves were good, but only I had appetite enough left to truly enjoy them. By the time we arrived at this final course DH and Son had gobbled down their pear salads, eaten any number of sandwiches, swilled glasses of ice tea, and sampled freely from the bowl of mint wafers. They were happy and stuffed and (DH’s words) “would explode with one more bite.”

Fortunately both their appetites revived overnight and by the end of the next day every cake had been eaten. I myself thought the cakes were good but not great—they just seemed a little too sturdy for a supposedly dainty luncheon.

Would I Make This Again?

It’s astonishing to admit that this Bettina meal was arguably the most successful to date, but it’s the truth. My husband and son seemed to enjoy every course: they grinned over the salads, gobbled down the sandwiches, slurped up their ice tea, and gorged on the mint wafers.

Strangely enough the only two dishes not particularly well-received were either not in evidence at the luncheon (the sherbet) or were eaten the next day (the tea cakes) after the effects of the luncheon excesses wore off.

So maybe those crazy salads did in fact set a festive mood for the luncheon, and anything I plopped on the table would have been met with enthusiasm. So chalk one up for Bettina and her feminine wiles—one successful dish can make a huge difference!

Chapter 18 (Bettina Gives a Porch Party)

Introduction

Bettina had decided to throw yet another party for her lady friends and, with an unusual amount of foresight, she has Bob compose the invitations and then banishes him to his office.

With the King of Creamed Beef away Bettina is free to indulge her passion for dainty, ladylike food—and indulge she does! After cajoling her friends to embroider any number of silverware cases she wheels out her tea tray and presents them with one of the most jaw-dropping meals imaginable.

Part 1

The Menu

Sunbonnet Baby Salads

Nut Bread Sandwiches

Iced Tea

Mint Wafers

Lemon Sherbet

Tea Cakes

Preparing the Meal

Sunbonnet Baby Salad

One has to wonder at the guests’ reactions when presented with this salad. Perhaps, after sewing for hours, they were too blinded by eyestrain to see clearly?

Personally, I can’t imagine anything less appetizing than chowing down a likeness of a baby’s head, but the book’s editors are emphatic that this salad is “very effective and easy to make.” Sold!

The recipe doesn’t specify whether fresh or canned pears are to be used for the base of the salad, so I figured I’d make it easy on myself and picked up a tin at the supermarket.

Other ingredients: blanched almonds (for the ears), pimento (for the nose and mouth), whole cloves (eyes), and salad dressing to be formed into Sweet Baby’s spit curls.

*Gulp*

Time to make a baby!

Nut Bread Sandwiches

The creation of these sandwiches was something of a puzzle thanks to the (non-existent) directions. From the vignette I gathered they were no more than slices of nut bread spread with butter, but Bettina’s Best Salads described something a little more elaborate: nut bread, a butter and cream cheese spread, and pecan halves balanced on each sandwich.

Frankly, the thought of bread (even nut bread)-and-butter sandwiches sounds a little dull, so I decided to go with the second interpretation of the dish and create something more suitable for a dainty luncheon.

As always these teatime sandwiches are to be made with slices of day-old bread (yummy) so I had to begin preparations the day before the party.

I was a little surprised by how many ingredients and equipment this nut bread required…

…and of course a sifter was one of them (my hand aches already)

Chopping the raisins by hand was, as always, a sticky business. There must be an easier way.

Uh-oh. I followed the recipe exactly and wound up with a dry-as-dust jumble of ingredients in the bowl in. Only by adding extra milk was I able to mix up a relatively smooth dough.

The recipe calls for the dough to be pressed into two well-greased bread pans but, given the Lilliputian size of Bettina’s baking dishes, I found one modern pan sufficient.

I sure hope this rises in the oven…

Thankfully it did (Bettina would be proud). By tomorrow it should be firm (stale?) enough to make sandwiches with

Iced Tea

Bettina’s summertime staple and actually something I enjoy. Lord knows it’s easy enough to prepare, delivers a nice shot of caffeine, and with a lot of ice is a genuine pleasure to drink.

Mint Wafers

I wasn’t sure whether these wafers were in fact candies or cakes (and of course no recipe was given). It would have been simple enough to purchase a box of chocolate mints and dump them in a bowl, but being the adventurous kind (or perhaps just a glutton for punishment) I decided to make something more elaborate.

After a little searching on the Internet I found a recipe for mint wafers at foodnetwork.com

(All credit goes to Sandra Lee, the creator of both the picture and the recipe. These look luscious)

Nilla Wafers, chocolate chips, butter, and peppermint extract—certainly not Bettina-approved but simple and delicious-sounding.

Step 1: Lay out the wafers on a foiled-lined cookie sheet

Step 2: Melt the chips and the butter in a microwave (here I substituted the stove top as a heat source. It was easier than having to open the microwave up every minute or so to stir the melting chocolate) and then add the mint extract

Step 3: Drizzle chocolate over the cookies…

And here I ran into a problem. I hadn’t melted the chocolate sufficiently and it was too thick to coat the cookies evenly.

OK, these don’t look anything like Lee’s, but I’m going to assume that they taste more or less the same (fingers crossed)

Lemon Sherbet

I’m excited about this. I love sherbet and it’s so much easier to make than homemade ice (yes, it’s the height of summer and I know it’s still to come—I’ll be revving my manual freezer for takeoff soon).

So it’s a huge relief that this sherbet recipe is so simple: just boiled sugar syrup mixed with lemon juice and later, after a brief period of chilling, whipped egg whites. Thanks to that last ingredient there’s a slight risk of salmonella, but hey—we all survived that sodium-packed creamed beef, so why not this?

Sugar syrup mixed with the lemon juice—this looks a little thin to me

After a spell in the freezer I beat in the whipped egg whites. I suppose it looks more like the genuine article now, but I’m a bit concerned about how long this sherbet will take to harden. I should have made it yesterday so it could would have had time to freeze properly.

[Three hours later] Nope. Still almost liquid. In fact, the egg whites are floating on top of the syrup. This sherbet definitely isn’t ready for prime time...

Tea Cakes

The only recipe I could locate for tea cakes in A Thousand Ways To Please A Husband is listed as “Lighting Tea Cakes”. Close enough?

The recipe gives me the option of using either granulated or powdered sugar, but after making sherbet, salad dressing, and nut bread there really was no choice to be made—my sugar canister was virtually empty.

The batter looks decent. Now all I have to do is pour it in a greased muffin pan and pop it in the oven.

These “lightning” tea cakes are to be frosted with White Mountain AKA Boiled Sugar Syrup Frosting—so much for a simple and convenient dish!

Despite all the hassle the frosting looked OK…

…until I looked in the empty sugar syrup pot. Yup. The stuff had crystalized, and I realized with a sinking heart my frosting would be crunchy as rock sugar.

The Table

Since this is supposed to be a dainty luncheon I actually took time to scrounge some flowers from the yard. I’m sure my somewhat war torn nasturtiums can’t hold a candle to Bettina’s lavish blooms, but they did serve to brighten both the table and my mood (by the time the food was ready it was eight o’clock at night, and I was exhausted)

How It Looked

Part 2 (Bob Gets Breakfast on Sunday continued)

How It Tasted

Grapefruit [Pineapple]

These canned pineapple chunks went over well—in fact, they were probably the most popular item on the menu. We usually have fruit for breakfast but most often fresh strawberries or melon [ah, glorious California!]. The acidic pineapple didn’t sit particularly well on my stomach so early in the morning, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it.

Oatmeal

Milomir: Good!

Since my husband is fond of hot cereal these cooked oats were a big hit with him. My son and I weren’t nearly as enthusiastic but, with lashings of sugar and cream added, we were both able to empty our bowls. I was sure I’d hate this thanks to my childhood conditioning, but really it wasn’t all that bad.

Creamed Beef

Me: [to Milomir]: Come on, it won’t kill you just to try it.

Filip: [face screwed into a grimace]: It might.

Alas we all found this dish appalling—it took just a few bites for major league salt burn to set in. It was just like eating beef jerky for breakfast—jerky bathed in cream sauce, to be exact.

Oddly enough, my initial determination to eat and enjoy this dish evaporated pretty quickly while my husband’s held firm. Mouth set he added milk, fruit, and crumbled bread to his portion and doggedly forked it up. Maybe my coaxing had some effect or (more likely) he figured anything so foul-tasting simply had to have some health benefits.

Well, whatever the motivation he did clean his plate—then guzzled consecutively a glass of water, a juice box, and a big cup of coffee.

Rolls

These rolls were good and, like the toast rounds under the beef, did help to mitigate the sodium wallop of the beef. I spread a lot of butter on mine in hopes of soothing the salt burns already springing up on my tongue, but I have to admit that that fancy imported stuff wasn’t anything special.

Coffee

As always this Bettina brew gave DH and I the fidgets, but it was perfect for jolting us out of our salt-induced stupor. Unfortunately I forgot to strain the coffee before serving, and we both were rewarded with a half inch of grounds as we approached the bottom of our cups.

Would I Make This Again?

Do I really need to ask this question?

Suffice it to say that the pineapple and rolls good, the oatmeal and coffee adequate.

And the beef? Well, some sodium-deprived folks might enjoy the dish—say, those stranded in the Mojave during a cholera epidemic. But for us the saltiness of the dish was unbearable, and it took a round of frozen waffles to finally pacify my crew. Really dreadful stuff, and not something I ever want to see, smell, or taste again.

Chapter 17 (Bob Gets Breakfast on Sunday)

Introduction

On this beautiful Sunday morning Bob surprised Bettina by donning a polka dot apron and cheerfully assembling breakfast (it’s clear his subjugation is complete).

Or maybe not. Obviously fresh from a wartime stint his breakfast might well warm the heart of a mess cook, but it carries with it more than a hint of passive-aggressiveness. What would Bettina’s ladylike friends think of a meal featuring oatmeal and dried creamed beef? For that matter, what does our heroine think of Bob’s sudden avowal that he “loves to cook” as he slaps the platter down before her? Has Bettina created a monster with an undying passion for Spam? Horrors!

Part 1

The Menu

Grapefruit
Oatmeal
Cream
Creamed Beef
Toast Rounds
Rolls
Butter
Coffee

Preparing the Meal

Grapefruit

No grapefruit for the Mostic family, unfortunately. My husband takes medication to control his blood pressure, and because of possible interactions any sort of grapefruit or grapefruit juice is verboten!

After some thought I decided to substitute pineapple chunks—slightly tart, like grapefruit, and no harder to prepare than opening a can.

Oatmeal

Ick. My abhorrence to this dish dates back to my childhood, when we were expected to finish every last spoonful of gloppy goo in our bowls before leaving the table.

Frankly, I wish I could find a substitute for this loathsome dish (Cheerios, anyone?). Unfortunately, having had to eliminate the grapefruit for health reasons, I feel I have no choice but to stick as close to the rest of the menu as possible.

So, out comes the oatmeal, the salt, the measuring cups, and my (improvised) double broiler. Seems like a simple dish of oats shouldn’t require all this equipment, but then we’re talking Bettina—never cook with a single pot when it’s possible to juggle three!

Basically the cereal is to be cooked well in advance and then “warmed” in the top of a double broiler. No doubt an oat fancier like the late great Man o’ War would approve but then, he’s not doing to cooking…

Remembering Jane Eyre’s comments about the evils of scorched porridge I prepared this over the lowest flame possible. These oats took more than an hour to cook and then about half that time to warm back up—not a quick and easy dish by any means.

Creamed Beef

By the greatest of good luck I was able to locate dried beef at the supermarket—in fact, I purchased it more than a month ago knowing full that this bomb shelter staple would keep almost indefinitely.

Dried beef on toast, as retro as it seems, is actually a dish I’m familiar with. My grandmother (bless her heart) was a less-than-enthusiastic cook whose repertoire was shaped by the Great Depression and World War 2. Spam and creamed dried beef were often found on her table—cradled, amazingly enough, in toast cups shaped like tulips.

No bread cups here, thank goodness…just rounds of toast inserted under each scoop of beef.

I was surprised when I opened the jar of beef—I was expecting paper-thin slivers of meat. These slabs look something like potato chips and smell exactly like beef jerky.

Melt the butter and then add and cook the beef until it “frizzles” (whatever that means)

Butter + beef + flour + milk. Scrumptious.

Rolls with Butter

Thankfully rolls rather than some kind of quick bread are listed on the menu. Personally I’m very fond of the commercial rolls sold by the Safeway bakery, so those are what I purchased.

And to make them better still I made an effort to find some better-than-average butter.

Coffee

Ugh. Ever since learning the Bettina way of making coffee sans percolator I haven’t been too enthusiastic about the stuff. It’s too strong; requires three pots, two spoons, and an egg separator; and is the very last thing I want to bother with in the morning.

The Setting

It’s the most beautiful morning of the year, I do believe—Bettina

Not here on the Central Coast…in fact, the sky was even grayer and the air damper than usual.

In the spirit of the Bettina project I suppose I should have taken it as a challenge to get DH and Son to eat at the picnic table outside—couldn’t be any more difficult than stuffing Bob into an apron! But I didn’t have the heart to insist , and I knew that toting creamed beef and oatmeal across the living room would result in a massive cleaning project when the plates inevitably tipped.

Sorry, Bettina—this meal will be eaten inside.

How It Looked

Part 2 (Bettina Has a Caller continued)

How It Tasted

Coffee

Poor Frank…

This coffee was so strong I could almost hear it snarl when it was poured into the cups. My husband—a coffee aficionado if ever there was one—seemed to enjoy it and I, out of a sense of duty, managed with some effort to finish mine.

End result: we both fidgeted for hours and then proceeded to toss and turn in bed. Eye-popping this brew was, and a genuine cure for narcolepsy.

Twin Mountain Muffins

Alas these muffins were even more rubbery than expected. After a bit of Internet sleuthing I concluded that I’d either overmixed the batter or baked the muffins in too hot an oven…perhaps both.

Still, used as a base for strawberry shortcake they were adequate, and they certainly weren’t difficult to prepare.

Would I Make This Again?

Probably--in fact I plan take another crack at the muffins fairly soon.

But the coffee—geez, it was strong and also rather time-consuming to prepare. I didn’t especially like it or its aftereffects, but my husband thought it was fine and actually asked me to make it for him the next morning. After watching him drink it and then buzz around the house I could see its appeal—as effective as a can or six of Red Bull and, in sufficient quantities, potential fuel for a rocket ship blasting to the moon.