Chapter 3 (Bettina’s First Guest)

Introduction

It’s Leftover Day…and Bob has invited Mr. Harrison—a genuine “woman hater”, he claims—to the feast.

Uh-oh.

Instead of barring the door against this impending home invasion Bettina cleverly plans her defense: invite the misogynist in, stuff him full of food, and offer up her friend Alice as a distraction. That and a pot of good coffee will surely convince Mr. Harrison that women aren’t “such nuisances after all!”

Part 1

The Menu

Boubons with Tomato Sauce

Potatoes Anna

Baked Green Peppers Stuffed

Bread

Butter

Head Lettuce—De Moines Dressing (1932 edition)

Cottage Pudding

Lemon Sauce

Coffee

Preparing the Meal

Boubons

As I don’t own a meat grinder with a crank I cheated here and used my electric chopper. It’s far more powerful than I realized and cut through that leftover steak in the blink of an eye.

The ingredients for the boubons (ground meat, bread crumbs, milk, spices, pimento, egg, melted butter) were easy enough to mix and place in glass cups, but I did have some trouble getting the water level in the baking pan correct. I had to boil an extra saucepan full after slopping water on the bottom of the oven—for a moment there my kitchen could have doubled as a sauna.

Tomato Sauce

This is one of those fiddly sauces that makes me thankful for convenience foods. The ingredients were simple, but the cooking sauce had to be watched carefully, and I had trouble forcing the end product through a sieve (in truth I used a sturdy colander with median-sized holes—still difficult). The resulting sauce was pale pink (from the flour, no doubt) and I wanted very much to doctor it with food coloring, but ultimately it went to the table au natural.

Potatoes Anna

Again not difficult to prepare, but the mix of potatoes, eggs, and white sauce didn’t look at all appetizing. I hope this ends up tasting better than it looks!

Baked Green Peppers Stuffed

I often make stuffed peppers, but my recipe (or rather that of my mother-in-law) involves stewing them in a pot of sauce until they’re limp and flaccid. Stuffed peppers is arguably my husband’s favorite dish, and he was puzzled and a little disturbed that Bettina’s version goes into the oven rather than on the stovetop.

“I don’t see how this can work,” he commented, eyes glued to the oven door.

Bread and Butter

The usual paper-wrapped supermarket loaf.

Head Lettuce—De Moines Dressing

This recipe for salad was added to the menu in the 1932 edition of A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband, and initially I was reluctant to prepare it. The menu seemed elaborate enough for a meal meant to use up leftovers, and the De Moines Dressing would force me to brew up not only chili sauce but another batch of that fantastically difficult homemade mayonnaise.

Ultimately, though, I did in the end decide to include it--the longing for a full bowl of greens instead of the stingy leaf or two Bettina typically doles out was just too tempting.

I did have to smile though at the early-20^th century version of chili sauce. No chili peppers were involved—no paprika—no ground pepper of any sort. The only “heat” came from some chopped onions and a tablespoon of cinnamon—this no-alarm sauce would make a baby smile.

Happily my second attempt at making mayonnaise went far more smoothly than the first. This time around I used a Bettina recipe involving whole eggs (rather than just the yolks), a little dry mustard, salad oil (instead of olive), and several minutes on the stovetop. It set up very quickly, tasted far better and, because the mixture was cooked, eased my fears about salmonella.

Cottage Pudding

Is this a pudding or really a cake in disguise? I honestly have no idea, but you’ll hear no complaints for me as it was one of the simplest dishes I had to prepare.

Lemon Sauce

This sauce was also something of a puzzler. In the 1917 edition of the book the recipe calls for “1 t-lemon extract or ½ t-lemon juice”—not equivalent ingredients by any means. Ultimately I plumped for the lemon juice--the ancient bottle of extract I fished out of the back of the cupboard smelled “off” bad and was immediately tossed in the trash.

How It Looked

Having no flowers Bettina arranged a centerpiece of red clover, and by the greatest of luck I had plenty of that (too much—time to weed the garden) in my yard.My husband Moske’s fork was stretching toward this bowl of greenery, and with a start I realized he was about to sample it. Fortunately our son chimed in just at that moment to ask why I’d put a bowl of weeds on the table.

Hmph!

  

Chapter 2, Part 2 (Bettina’s First Real Dinner continued)

How It Tasted

Pan-Broiled Steak

Moske: It’s bleeding out.

Enough said.

New Potatoes in Cream

Boring. Boiled potatoes are boiled potatoes, even with a sauce.

Baking-Powder Biscuits with Butter

Filip: These aren’t very good biscuits. They’re crumbling.

Much to my chagrin my son was right. I’m not sure exactly what I did wrong here, but the biscuits were so coarse and crumbly I could have used them to scour the sink. Bleah.

Rhubarb Sauce

As good as I’d hoped. My husband has never eaten rhubarb in any form before and was surprised and pleased by the taste. The sauce’s rosy pinkness also added a much-needed touch of color to the meal.

Pea and Celery Salad

Very very rich, but good. My husband and son were unsure about the paltry leaf or two of lettuce beneath the scoop of cooked salad…was it to be eater or merely for decoration? This pea and mayonnaise concoction doesn’t exactly meet the 21^st century definition of a salad, but it was tasty nonetheless.

Strawberry Shortcake

Even layers of berries and cream couldn’t disguise those awful biscuits. I realized too late that I was supposed to pile berries on top of the shortcake as well. Possibly that would have made this dessert a little better but, quite honestly, I think it was beyond redemption. Double bleah!

Coffee with Cream

Provided a much-needed jolt after this incredibly heavy meal. Even though many of the dishes didn’t come out quite as I hoped we still all ate a substantial amount, and it sat in our stomachs like lead.

Would I Make This Again?

Definitely—this is one menu I hope Bettina trots out again (and if she doesn’t I will). I chalk up many of the failures to my inexperience—the horrible steak and those biscuits could surely be improved upon. Once my taste buds and my stove recover from the trauma (say, six months from now) I'm going to take another crack at this.

Chapter 2 (Bettina’s First Real Dinner)

Introduction

Well, after the first full night in her new home Bettina appears to have developed the guilties. Determined to make amends for the previous evening’s pick-up supper Bettina labors over the stove to prepare what Bob enthusiastically describes as a “regular man-sized meal!”

Part 1

The Menu

Pan-Broiled Steak

New Potatoes in Cream

Baking-Powder Biscuits

Butter

Rhubarb Sauce

Pea and Celery Salad

Strawberry Shortcake

Coffee

Cream

Preparing the Meal

Hmm…this is far more challenging than last night’s supper of creamed canned tuna fish. Frankly, if I was in Bettina’s shoes I’d make the most of that honeymoon glow and belatedly take Bob up on that offer of a nice dinner at a hotel—ESPECIALLY after a full day of marketing.

Still, Bettina is a gal determined to puts her marriage first…“You think that you love me now, Bobby, but just wait until you sit down to a real strawberry shortcake made by a real cook in a real home!” Apparently she subscribes fully to that old adage that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…time to slip on the bungalow apron and keep those romantic flames kindled!

Pan-Broiled Steak

I’ve never tried cooking steak under a broiler before, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything. Since I haven’t used my broiler recently I made a point of cleaning the oven earlier in the day and switching on the top element to make sure it was working.

Slap the steak on a flat pan, fire up the broiler, and slide the meat in. What could possibly go wrong?

Plenty, as it turned out.

In a very few minutes I could hear fat splattering inside the oven and a peculiar clanging noise as the pan began to buckle from the heat. Within seconds the kitchen was opaque with smoke, and the entire family sprang into action. I fanned, my husband shut off the smoke detectors, and my son raced to open the front and the back doors.

Grimly determined to see this recipe through I doggedly set the timer (still madly fanning the air) and pulled out the steak out after exactly seven minutes. My husband and son like their beef well done, but to cook it so thoroughly this time would have been impossible.

New Potatoes in Cream

Boiled potatoes in sauce…not exactly a gourmet dish, but certainly easy. The white sauce came together far more quickly this time, so perhaps the Bettina magic is beginning to take effect!

Baking-Powder Biscuits with Butter

It’s been ages since I last made biscuits, but I’m thankful these use baking powder as a leavening agent rather than yeast. Bettina’s “cut the fat in with the flat side of a knife” didn’t work at all for me, so I resorted to the age-old method of taking a pair of knives and slashing and slashing and slashing.

Hmm…the dough seems a bit rubbery, but into the oven they go.

Rhubarb Sauce

This is unfamiliar territory…I’ve never cooked rhubarb before and in fact had trouble finding it at the supermarket.

The ease with which the rhubarb cooked down erased any doubts, however. In exactly ten minutes I had a pan of aromatic sauce that didn’t require food coloring for that pretty pink color. I don’t care how the stuff tastes…this recipe’s a winner!

Pea and Celery Salad

A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband gave no recipe for this, so I had to search through my other Bettina books. I finally located it in Bettina’s Best Salads and yes, the leftover peas from the night before are perfectly adequate. Chop up some hard-boiled eggs, some celery and other assorted vegetables, add some seasonings, nd whip together some homemade mayonnaise.

Problem. My first batch of mayonnaise refused to come together, Bettina offers

no advice on the subject, and so I was forced to scour the Internet.

The most common remedy involves adding a couple of tablespoons of boiling water to cook the egg and (hopefully) increase the volume.

Better, but still too thin. Step 2 is adding another egg yolk and beating for several minutes. I’m sure Bettina had at best a manual egg beater to work with but now, with time getting short and desperation setting in, I hauled out my electric mixer and beat the stuff without mercy.

…Bingo (thanks heavens)

Strawberry Shortcake

I’m not sure why the night’s menu requires two lots of baking powder biscuits (one for the primary breadstuff and the other for the strawberry shortcake) but OK…Bettina’s wish is my command. The dough felt a bit less rubbery on my second attempt, so I’m hoping these turn out well.

Bettina’s strawberry shortcake calls for plain cream rather than whipped, and I found it impossible to comply with this (blind obedience has its limits, it seems). I finally compromised by sweetening the cream with powdered sugar but, exercising all my self-control, managed to leave it at that and simply poured the cream into a pitcher.

Coffee with Cream

To be drunk after the meal (obviously)—the sweetened cream left over from the shortcake will be perfect.

How It Looked

What more can I say? This table is shaping up nicely with the matching plates, good silverware, and attractive red tablecloth--and sans my husband's extensive collection of condiments (I put them out of sight in a box and, with luck, they'll stay there until the meal is over)

Chapter 1, Part 2 (Home at Last continued)

How It Tasted

Creamed Tuna on Toast

Moske (DH):   This would be good in the summer—it’s nice and light.

Filip (son):      I don’t like tuna.

Susan (me):    Good, but tastes exactly like the tuna sandwiches I often eat for lunch. Why

struggle with a white sauce when mayonnaise is so much easier?

Canned Peas with Butter Sauce

Moske:            How long did you cook these?

Filip:               No comment but did clean his plate—alas no credit to Bettina as peas

are his favorite vegetable anyway.

Susan:             All I could taste was peas and butter—the parsley and seasonings seemed to have

vanished.

Rolls with Butter

Unfortunately these were every bit as overbrowned as I’d feared. We all ate the centers and left the shells on our plates.

Strawberry Preserves

These brought much praise from Moske, who’s always encouraged me to learn how to can—so it killed me to have to admit that these weren’t the same berries he’d seen me sweating over the previous day. I didn’t admit to the food coloring, though— a little kitchen slight-of-hand is the cook’s prerogative, I figure.

Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows

Filip:   This is good. It tastes like hot chocolate.

Definitely the highlight of the meal. The marshmallows were a nice touch, and we sucked down every drop.

Would I Make This Again?

This took much too long to prepare (way longer than it should have thanks to my struggle with the white sauce), but it tasted fine and didn’t leave too many dishes in the sink. This menu is a keeper although I’d be strongly tempted to replace the white sauce with mayo.

Chapter 1 (Home at Last)

Introduction

Our heroine and her husband Bob have just returned from their honeymoon, and domestic management Bettina-style kicks in immediately. Spurning Bob’s offer of a dinner at a hotel and a taxi ride home Bettina declares to the bridegroom that “the time has come to show you that Bettina knows how to keep house!”

After a cut-rate trip on a streetcar to the couple’s newly-built cottage, Bettina slips into a “trim percale bungalow apron”, charges into the kitchen, and whips together a “pick-up meal” in a scant ten minutes.

PART 1

The Menu

Creamed Tuna on Toast Strips

Canned Peas with Butter Sauce

Rolls

Butter

Strawberry Preserves

Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows

Preparing the Meal

Well, I’ve purchased a bungalow apron (actually a sort of housedress, according to Wikipedia), the necessary foods, and have a timepiece at the ready to see if this supposedly quick and simple meal can be put together in the allotted time. I’ll need to double the recipes as I’m feeding myself, my son, and my husband (who has a notoriously large appetite), but that shouldn’t pose a problem.

Creamed Tuna on Toast Strips

At the outset this seemed simple enough: open a can of tuna, stir up a white sauce, combine, and pour over toast cut into strips. How difficult could that be?

In a word: plenty. I’ve never made a white sauce in my life and was afraid it would scorch if I turned the burner up too high. The so-called sauce sulked at the bottom of the pan in an unsavory lump until I gathered my courage together and resolutely cranked up the heat.

Canned Peas with Butter Sauce

Open up a can of peas and dump it in a pot—as simple as I’d hoped. The butter sauce, though, was a bit more challenging. Having a microwave has spoiled me—butter melts in a trice and I’ve never once scorched it. Not quite as simple on the stovetop, and measuring out precise quantities of salt and pepper was a pain. So was getting out the chopping board and a knife to cut up a tiny bit of parley.

Rolls and Butter

Since Bettina’s rolls obviously came from a bakery I had no qualms about making mine with commercial frozen bread dough. They came out a little too brown, but with luck no one will notice.

Strawberry Preserves

My bete noire—an absolute disaster! I had a hunch these weren’t going to be easy and so made the preserves the day before on a “just in case” basis.

Wise thinking. After boiling the allotted time they looked like Death in a Bottle.

I actually dared to try one as soon as they were cool enough to sample.

Helpful household tip: Strawberries boiled for an hour taste exactly like strawberries boiled for an hour.

I ended up dumping the lot and instead prepared some stewed berries from a recipe I found on the Internet (plus a few illicit drops of food dye to bring back some of the color).

Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows

A dish I’m familiar with (thank heavens). I make cocoa and hot chocolate for my son quite often and could probably make the stuff blindfolded. It’s never occurred to me though to whip the brew together with an eggbeater—and I find out just now that my manual has only one remaining rotor. A whisk will have to do.

Time Elapsed: 32 minutes. Yow! Quick and easy this ain’t, no matter what Bettina claims.

How It Looked

Since Bettina calls this a “pick up meal” I figure my everyday dishes (not a matching plate in the lot) and silverware will suffice.

Hmm…the table looks shall we say casual, what with the mix-and-match plates, the dull flatware, and that mess of stuff in the upper right. My husband’s never met a condiment he didn’t like and keeps a score or more on hand at all times [for the record that’s olive oil, fresh garlic, honey, blackberry jam, pitted prunes, craissins (dried cranberries), Hershey’s cocoa, apple cider vinegar, ground turmeric, currant jelly, anise seed, Saigon cinnamon, garlic powder, caraway seed, ground ginger, horseradish sauce, crushed red pepper, jalapeno peppers (both ground and chopped) and of course salt and pepper].

I’d love to channel my inner Bettina and get this stuff organized, but it’s certainly not happening tonight!

Introduction

Who is this Bettina anyway?

Bettina (AKA Betty) sprang from the combined pens of Louise Bennett Weaver and Helen Cowles LeCron in 1917. Featured in A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband, Bettina is housewife extraordinaire with a mastery of the domestic arts no mortal can hope to match.

As a new bride Bettina’s skills in the kitchen are beyond reproach. Her richly detailed attempts (inevitably successful) to produce economical but scrumptious meals are interspersed with seasonal menus, recipes, and household tips.

Something of a precursor to Martha Steward and her notions of Gracious Living, Bettina’s efforts never fail to dazzle her husband Bob, impress her new in-laws, and inspire every disorganized and overwhelmed housewife on the block.

So successful was A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband that its creators spun out a sequel (titled, logically enough, A Thousand Ways to Please a Family) in 1922. In a soap opera-style time warp Bettina, wife of a scant five years, now has a seven-year old daughter and five-year old son to further challenge her domestic routine. No longer a mere goddess of the kitchen, Bettina’s expertise now extends to all aspect of child rearing. Advice is freely given (and always gratefully received) by various beleaguered mothers bewildered by their children’s various issues.

Why would anyone want to cook this way?

As evidenced by the cult of Martha Stewart, even in the 21^st century we are fascinated by the prospect of a household that runs like clockwork. Every overworked parent is familiar with that dank feeling of failure when the household descends into chaos—the cell phone filling with unanswered messages, bills to be paid, and children to shepherded through the homework/dinner/bedtime routine while dinner burns to a crisp in the oven.

It’s human nature to long want a simple set of instructions that will help tame our households and keep disorder at bay, and over the years various “domestic experts” have expounded most profitably on just how to do so.

Who among us hasn’t tried to follow Good Housekeeping’s tips on organizing clutter—the pull-out menu for a month’s worth of nutritious and easy-to-prepare menus—for rekindling married bliss with date nights and scented body lotions?

“And after all, romance is really in everything we do lovingly, and intelligently. I find it in planning and cooking the best and most economical meals that I can, and in getting the mending done on time, and in keeping the house clean and beautiful,” Bettina says on her first wedding anniversary.

Who could resist? Maybe it really is that simple!